Writing When It Is Hard to Write
Sometimes when sitting down it is hard to be able to come up with something to write. The options are infinite for the topic that can go down on the page, so I wind up plagued by questions of “what should I write about?” And because I write so rarely these days, whatever piece I write ends up defining me for a period of time, until that next intermittent piece comes out. So this has to, you know, be good. And good enough. Then perfectionism takes over limiting infinite options.
And then I wind up with fear, because, what will people think of me if this isn’t perfect? If I’m less than perfect in my writing, what do they think of me? That I’m less than perfect and we all know the terrible things that are less than perfect - I might as well just be a bad writer afterall. And if I’m going to be bad, I might as well not write at all.
The day I wrote this I decided to show up a little differently and just give the writing a chance. To let it be, to not have to be perfect. To separate the words my brain suggests I type out from the wholeness and goodness that I embody as a person, and yet, to also identify as a writer. Because someone who writes is a writer, and you need to write if you’re going to be a writer!
I decided to show up differently because I missed writing. It had been weeks since I last wrote. Weeks? No - I had to go back to check and it's been months! How did so much time pass? I couldn't let the time pass any longer. The practice is where the joy comes from and I need to try something out and take my friend Mike’s advice to write about having trouble writing. I tried something new with my writing practice by showing up after a long absence because I was sick of my own excuses of why I couldn’t write. I had the energy and the headspace and that is everything I need to be able to sit down and type some words out. And I know to develop my practice I need to find ways to write even when I don’t have the energy and headspace. But when I’ve got it, I’ve got to flaunt it. Today marks a turning point in deciding I am a creator, a creative, a writer, an artist. And doing matters. But taking on that perspective of what I do as part of who I am is critical. Identity plays a role in how we see ourselves and how we act and spend our time. Writers need to write, and I am a writer who needs to write.
What blocks the writing can be figuring out what to write about. Coming up with topics to write about is both easy and challenging. The act of brainstorming, or consulting the internet, or asking for suggestions, are relatively simple. What is challenging is the expectation that I and my audience need to care about the topics. And I have been expecting to know in advance what it is I need to write and read about, and what I expect you to want to read about. So I have adopted a standpoint of experimentation and following where my ideas take me instead of trying to assemble an editorial calendar. I can plan well, but sometimes I reach the point of planning so well I never execute. The key here is to constantly execute, to take guesses as to what might be desired but also following my heart and my mind’s curiosity as to where to go next and let that guide me. At 36 years old I am finally figuring out how I work best (we all get there at our own pace) and I’ve got to stay true to a little more execution and a little less planning, as good as I may be at planning. Or save the planning for a different way of doing things. I’ll figure that out as I go - but I’m good now at recognizing when I am planning for planning’s sake and to procrastinate and not actually produce anything.
The production at this point is for the sake of production, for my own entertainment and interest and sense of joy. I make no money off of this (yet?). It can be fun. It provides a challenge, an opportunity to prove to myself what I am capable of. A way to use a talent that I haven’t had a chance to use much since writing papers in high school and college. As I read more fiction, I even feel the pull to write some fiction. I dream someday of writing a book - about what, I don’t know yet.
In fact, I did write a book once. I published the one author copy and so much time had passed between the writing and editing that I birthed a child and I was a totally different person from when I initially started writing that it didn’t feel like my voice anymore. So maybe I will try to rewrite that one again in a voice that feels authentic. And maybe I just have to publish faster to get my work out into the world. That goes back to the practice.
The practice, to get to that production, for the sake of fun, takes showing up consistently. And I hate the word consistency - I’m constantly trying to develop new definitions to meet my needs. It doesn’t have to be every single day, but enough days out of all the days to spend the time to get better. It will take lots of writing no one else cares about to find the words that resonate. How long and how much of that writing, I have no idea. But I need to keep writing away because it is a practice that feels necessary now. I can’t be a writer who doesn’t write. That doesn’t make sense!
So here is to new adventures, to starting over, to trying again, to picking up the pen or the keyboard and giving things a shot. Even when it is hard to come up with an idea, it doesn’t have to be perfect. It just needs to be writing, something I believe in or care about or have curiosity in. I just need to keep showing up and the ideas will eventually flow. Sometimes sitting down it IS hard to come up with something to write. But I’m excited for the journey and the trials and errors and figuring things out. A writer needs to write!